Alright, Suzi, are you ready?
Just a little bit that way darling, that's it
Okay, after four.
One, two, three, four.
Stretch!
Yeah
Round, stretch!
That's a good girl, Lucy.
One, two, three, stretch.
One two, three. One, two, three, four.
Round, smile!
One, two, three, one two. cha-cha-cha.
One, two, cha-cha-cha. Very good.
You're doing well. And again, one, two, three, stretch.
One, two, three, four.
Get your legs up!
Stretch right up like you're stretching for sweets on the top shelf.
cha-cha-cha.
Very good.
Come on. One, two.
Come on, enjoy yourself.
Hands on your hip like that.
Yeah, that's it.
and the other one.
Now wave with both hands.
Right?
That's it.
Very good. Come on, Laura, you can be leader now.
Right out here, stick to the edges, that's right!
Let's have a bit of a bum swing from you.
Above your heads come on hands up.
Oh, swing those bums.
That's it.
and you're doing that cleaning your mums windows.
Alright.
and then you see your best friend...
So your shouting out
"Hi it's me, I'm here!"
-Say"hi". -Hi.
Hi
-Say"it's me"! -I's me!
-I'm here! -I'm here!
-Give me a five pound note! -Give me a five pound note!
I want to go and spend it on sweets.
I thought that would get you smiling.
I thought you would like that.
Come on who's going to be the leader now then?
Right, come on then.
Time to go home.
Not too much of a rush now. I don't want you tripping over.
Right, get your coats and shoes outside as usual.
Alright, do you want to put your little cardigan on, Suzi?
Eh, put it on because you might get a little chill.
You've got your sleeves inside out.
Get your coats now.
If you can't reach your bags, I'll get them down.
That's it. Put your cardy on, hope your headache's better soon.
Alright, bye, darling, bye.
My bag's next door.
Your bag's next door? Alright, don't worry.
Who's is the green coat?
Come on.
Isn't it hot?
Oh, yes.
Tell you what, Andy, your lucky, I'm not in the hospital.
What?
That door swung back, nearly took my head off again.
It's the hinge, isn't it?
Yeah, it's that catch, it's gone.
I'll have a look at it later.
It's lethal.
Oh, I wish you would do something with this porch.
I will do.
It's embarrasing
Just got to get the rest of the timber, that's all
Oh, you've been saying that for two years.
Take these boards up to here, bang a bit of trellis on the outside.
Slap a coat of white paint on it
Get some nice creepers growing up it'll look lovely
I don't want trellis, Andy, it'll look like a Chinese restaurant
It'll be nice.
-Hello. -Oh, shut that door it's freezing.
Oh, you finished, have you?
No, I'm still in the bath.
Wouldn't surprise me.
Made a mess, have you?
No!
Oh, hello.
Alright.
-Where you been? -Town.
-Hello, Nat. -What you been doing?
Shopping.
Want a little sandwich, Andy?
Yeah, what you got?
-Cheese and toastie. -Yeah lovely.
Still got my glasses on, thought I was going blind
-Here you are. -Tadaa, chocolate!
You're chocoholic, you are.
You are, I could give it up tomorrow, no trouble.
-Do you want coffee? -No thanks.
Please.
-Do you want a little sandwich, Nat? -Yeah.
-Do you want pickle? -Course I want pickle.
Gonna get out there this afternoon finish off that patio.
Oh, don't give my heart attack, Andy, please.
I will, make a start.
What did you get, Nat?
-A shirt. -Is this it?
-Yeah. -Can I have a look?
If you want to.
-Oh, it's nice. -Yeah it's alright, isn't it?
-Yeah! -Why do you always get a man's?
Beccause I like them.
Suits me, thanks a lot, Nat.
Funny man.
It's not for me?
No, it's not for you.
Oh, shame. I thought my luck had changed.
You should get a nice blouse, short sleeves.
Show yourself off a bit.
-Shut up. -Well.
Don't listen to her.
-Nat? -What?
Did you get me those fags?
-No. -Why not?
I told you, if you want to smoke you can get your own fags.
Well, could you lend me some money?
How much?
A tenner.
What's it for?
Alright, a fiver.
Well, what do you want it for?
Mind your own business.
Suit yourself.
You'll be charging interest next.
Yeah, it's a good idea
Capitalist!
When did you get that?
This morning. It's alright, isn't it?
Nah, it looks like a tea towel!
Yeah, I was quite pleased with it myself.
-Hey, Andy, guess what? -What?
I woke up this morning, I felt a little bit what's it...
you know. And I thought to myself,
Oh, blimey, don't tell me I'm in the family way.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
What's the family way supposed to mean?
You know what it means.
No, I know what pregnant means.
You don't half talk some rubbish.
Well, silly little sayings.
-Oh, shut up! -You shut up.
I was lying there, Andy, I thought to myself...
Aw, I would love another little baby.
You're too old to have a baby, ain't you?
-Course not! -You may not be, I am.
You wouldn't see me for dust, I tell you.
Oh, don't, Andy, don't be rotten.
Typical, typical man!
Oh, shut up, what do you know about men?
Enough!
Anyway, I thought to myself, ah, nevermind.
I'll just have to wait till I'm a Grandma.
-You're going to have a long wait. -Yeah.
-Eh? -Who would want them?
Oh, that's nice.
Stick a couple of brown paper bags over their heads.
Might be able to flog them off cheap, sight unseen.
Anyway, I'm not going to waste my life.
No? What're you doing now then?
Contributing a great deal, aren't you?
sitting around on your arse all day.
Yeah, well I'm thinking about it.
Oh, yeah, thinking about it, that's the easy bit, isn't it?
Thinking about it, anyone can do that. It's doing it. That's difficult.
Bollocks!
Nicola!
Shame, though, isn't it?
They were such lovely little dolly, what's it's...
Sitting there in their matching little outfits.
My little Natalie and my little Nicola.
-And now look at them. -Oh, get a sick bucket
And when you have a bath, Nicola,
don't leave the towels on the bathroom floor stinking wet!
Here we go.
Well, how many times have I got to tell you?
It's just two simple little movements.
Down and up, and pop it on the towel rail.
Don't be patronising.
And I won't tell you again about using my cotton wool balls.
Oh, don't be so selfish.
What do you want two baths a day for anyway?
What, are you taking their side now?
I'm not taking anyone's side I'm just asking you a simple question.
Yeah, well, don't.
-Here you are, Andy. -Oh, cheers.
-Here you are, Nat. -Ta.
Don't light that cigarette, Nicola, we're eating.
Don't eat.
It's lunch time, that's what you do at lunchtime, eat.
What's lunchtime anyway? It's only a convention.
Nicola, if you want to smoke while we're eating,
go up to your room, alright?
Anyway, if you smoked less and you ate more,
you wouldn't be sitting there looking like a skeleton.
It's better than looking like a beached whale.
Oh, thank you.
Anyway, your Dad likes something to grab hold of of the night.
What? blubber?
No.
Me little love handles.
We got a set each, ain't we, Andy?
Oh, you're disgusting!
Oh, shut up!
Those sandwiches stink.
Listen, Nicola, I told you if you don't like it, you know what you can do.
-Yeah, well, I'm going. -Good.
Well, go on then.
In a minute.
You can't go, can you?
What's keeping you Nicola? eh?
She's bored.
See you want to be with us, so, why don't you just act normal?
-Andy? -What?
How about having a little go at the patio today? Please.
Not today, Wen.
Why not?
It's gonna rain, ain't it?
It don't look like rain to me.
I don't want to get all my sand and cement out
and have it piss down on me, do I?
Well, have a go at the bathroom, then finish off my tiling.
-Yeah, could do -Really?
-Hang on hang on. -What?
Ain't got no grout.
Oh, typical.
-Well, I can get you grout. -Where?
-Eh? -From work.
Today?
Well, no, not today. It's Sunday, tomorrow.
Water-proof grout?
Of course it's gonna be water-proof grout, it's for a bathroom.
Yeah, there's grout and there's water-proof grout, isn't there?
Allow me to know.
Just make sure what you get is water-proof grout.
Don't panic, I'll get you water-proof grout.
Great, I'll do it next weekend.
Can I have that in writing, please?
I have to say, Wend, this lamb is delicious.
Oh, is it? good.
and the tiles are in the cupboard under the stairs, right?
-Nice and pink, beautiful, isn't it? -Yeah, it's nice.
Are you eating yours, missus?
What's it to you?
She cooked it, that's what it is to her.
Oh, shut up, goodie two shoes!
What's it like in the first class dining compartment then?
Listen, if I choose to eat in my own space,
that's my perogative, right?
Hey, do you want a glass of low calorie H20?
Just leave her alone.
Oh, there she goes.
-It's the year of the horse. -Eh?
Chinese.
Oh, yeah, do you want some more?
Yeah.
Do you want some?
Yeah, go on then.
Cut me a nice big juicy slice, you know
that I like mine, nice and juicy.
Mother!
Nat, you can't rush him?
Yeah, he's happy going at that speed, isn't he?
Yeah, dead slow and stop
It's the door.
Well, answer it.
It's that Patsy bloke.
Open the door, Nicola.
No, I don't know him.
Course you know him.
-Go on, I've got wet hands. -So!
Tell you what, Nicola, you're an awkward cow.
Oh, don't be sexist.
-Oh, hello, Patsy. -Hello, Wendy.
Alright?
Sorry to bother you on a Sunday, eh...
-I was wondering if Andy was in? -Yeah.
Only I was hoping to catch him down in the boozer like...
But I got a bit held up.
Oh, yeah.
Had to go down and see my old Mum.
Oh, did you?
Yeah, he's down the bottom of the garden.
-Oh. -Do you want to see him?
Yeah, alright.
Here come in then.
Thanks very much, terrific
Hello, girls.
Hello, boys.
Hang on a minute.
-Patsy's here. -What?
It's Patsy.
Ah, there he is, I'll just slip out and see him, if that's alright.
Yeah, that's alright. Patsy go on.
-Just watch yourself on that little step. -What?
That's the one. Yeah.
-Andrew! -Hello, Patsy, how are you?
He must be in a right state.
He's had about ten pints.
Good job he's been banned from driving.
Nice hairstyle.
Aw, I bet his Wife did those little streaks.
She must got one of them 3.99 kits from the chemists.
What you let him in for, eh?
What was I supposed to do?
Fascist!
I tell you what, though, I wouldn't trust him.
I wouldn't trust anyone wearing a suit like that.
They cost about 300 quid them suits, you know.
What does he do anyway?
He doesn't do anything, he's unemployed.
I can lay my hands on anything in here, you name it.
Bit of old rope, Christmas tree, guitar.
Ah, the old one-armed guitar player, eh?
Yeah, I was gonna fix it up,
put a new neck on it, new set of strings.
Basically, it's a good box.
∮ Mothers don't let your children grow up to be cowboys ∮
Listen, Andy, eh, do you want to get yourself out the house for a while?
Hello, my friend
I love them!
She can't stand them. Won't let them through the door.
We got two of them. Car boot sale.
Twins.
Yeah, you got 20 minutes, have you?
What for?
I've got something for you.
Listen, Patsy, whatever it is, I swear to God I can't afford it, I'm broke.
Andrew, I am advising you to accompany me to a certain place.
Where I'm going to show you something.
Where? What is it?
I am not prepared to reveal that at this stage.
Why not?
It's a surprise.
What is this?
Come on, do us a favour.
Give us a clue.
No, shtoom is the word. If you don't go, you'll never know.
Be there or be square.
Nah.
Alright, suit yourself.
I'll see you in a minute.
How long are you going to be?
-We'll be right back. -Where you going?
I don't know.
Where're you taking him, Patsy?
Don't worry, Wendy, a little magical mystery tour.
Eh, Andy, you've still got your hat on.
Blimey, catch.
Sure you two haven't got a woman
What? With my luck?
What? With a beautiful girl like you?
Heard it all before. See ya later.
See ya later.
-Dad! -Well.
Get us twenty silk cut.
-Get your own. -Selfish pig!
Oh, it's nice and hot.
It's a bit bright, isn't it?
That's it.
That's right.
Come on, get in.
-What can't get it in the hole? -Shut up.
Relax, Andy, relax.
Oh, hi, Natalie.
It's Nicola.
Oh, yeah, sorry.
I brought a pineapple.
What for?
Your Mum, you know?
Do you want to come in?
Yeah, thanks very much!
Shut the door.
Oh, yeah.
There you go.
Nobody in?
Nah.
Do you want to sit down?
Yeah, yeah, thanks very much.
So, Andrew, what do you think?
I think it's a load of old crap, that's what I think.
-What's the matter with it? -Look at the state of it.
Nah, coat of paint.
You're looking at the future, mate.
This could be the catalyst that sparks the revolution.
This is what you've always wanted.
I want this like I want a hole in the head.
This is your chance to break out of the rat race.
We should get a cat.
Eh?
Get another cat, like Tigger.
-What, a little kitten? -Yeah.
Nah.
I don't want a moggy scratching all my furniture.
Why do you want a cat?
No.
I don't know why I said it, really.
We could get a big Rottweiller, then it might eat Nicola.
That's a good idea.
That's one way of getting rid of her.
We should get a crocodile.
My hair's falling out
Yeah, well, stop pulling it then.
It still falls out.
It's really nice hair.
Are you taking the piss?
No, I mean it. I'm sincere.
Bollocks.
You're a really attractive girl, you know?
No, I'm not.
I'm too fat.
Fat? What is fat?
It's all in the mind.
Do you want to put it down?
Yeah.
I think it's on the turn, but I didn't want to waste it.
I had a few ideas, but, you know.
Why didn't you eat it?
Great knees.
Look at this, rust everywhere.
There you go, lightning striking a cup of tea.
It's falling apart. the strong winds, the roof would come off.
Here you are, have a look inside.
I'm not going in there, mate, I value my health too much.
No, no, feel free.
No way!
Phew. Ripe, isn't it.
It's just a bit musty. Needs a bit of air through it.
I bet there's something died in here.
Are you sure this is on the level, Patsy?
Of course, it is it belongs to my brother.
Look the old griddle.
Ah, there she is, beautiful!
Haven't seen those in a while.
Ah, she's still in good nick, though.
You must be joking, it's fucked, isn't it?
It's got everything you need in here.
I'm making a tea, Nicola do you want one?
-Oh, hello, Aubrey. -Hello, Wendy.
What're you doing here?
I brought you a pineapple.
Oh, did you? Oh, isn't it a big one?
Andy's not here. He's just popped out.
Yeah?
How long have you been here?
Oh, fifteen, twenty minutes.
-Oh, you haven't, Aubrey. -Straight up.
-Nicola. -What?
Why didn't you tell me Aubrey was here?
you knew I was sitting out the back.
No, I never.
Yes, you did.
Are you calling me a liar?
Yes. I am calling you a liar.
I thought you had gone for a walk.
Don't be so stupid, I've never been for a walk in my life, have I?
-Sorry about this, Aubrey. -No, sweat.
Come and have a little seat in the garden.
Take your coat off, get the sun on yourself.
Well, she's a nice girl.
Yeah, nice with her head in a bucket.
Look at that, brilliant.
Tell you what, mate, I'll let you have these comestibles for nothing.
I promise you, Andy.
You go down White Hart Lane on a Saturday, for the home games,
A man of your skills, a couple of hundred beef burgers.
You'll make a fortune, I'm telling you.
Excuse me, guvnor.
I'll have 4 hamburgers, 3 egg burgers,
A sausage roll with onions, a bacon egg and cheese roll,
A tea, a bovril and a large vodka.
Sold to the man with the beard.
I have to admit, Patsy, I am tempted.
∮ No, no regrets ∮
∮ No, no regret rien ∮
Oh, yeah, that's what I remember, yeah.
She sang it in French.
Yeah, she was from France.
She was thin.
She was thin, she was French.
She dead though, ain't she?
Yeah, she was a prostitute.
So?
Shut up!
The sparrow.
Yeah, the little sparrow, that's right, yeah.
So, are you all set then, Aubrey?
Got all your little menus printed up and everything?
-Oh, yeah. -Yeah, good.
No, I haven't actually.
Oh, blimey, when do you open?
Tuesday.
Well, it only gives you a couple of days.
How's everyone meant to know what they want to eat?
They might not want to eat.
Oh, here we go.
Don't be stupid, it's a restaurant.
So!
-It's alright by me if they don't want to eat. -See?
They can bask in the atmosphere.
Oh, blimey, you're not going to make much profit that way, Aubrey.
No manger-e, no sweat.
That's daft.
No, it ain't.
Parisien.
Why don't they eat in Paris then?
Good one
Seven.
Two-fifty.
I'll come down to six.
Right, three hundred.
Five-fifty.
So I'll give you three hundred now,
and fifty when I've checked out the gear.
Five hundred.
Four hundred.
Four-fifty.
Four-twenty-five.
-Alright, done. -right.
-it's a deal. -Cheers.
-Drop the hooks. -Hang on, hang on, drop the wheel.
Drop the wheel, there you go.
And... up.
Hey, how about that, sweet as a nut.
Genius!
Just get parked up, be right back.
Off you go.
Oh, Andy.
What do you think?
-Oh, Andy, you haven't. -She loves it, Patsy.
Look at it, mobile goldmine, I can feel it in my water.
Oh Andy you're joking me?
I'm not, I promise God's truth, no word of a lie.
Have you bought it?
Yeah, good, isn't it?
-No. -Great!
What do you reckon?
Not much.
-Andy, it's a heap of rubbish! -What do you mean?
Well, look at it!
It's got character, isn't it?
-Oh, Andy. -I love it!
It's disgusting
Eh?
It's ecologically unsound.
You're ecologically unsound.
Bollocks!
What do you reckon, Nat?
It's embarrassing!
Eh?
Nat, you and me, soon get it licked into shape.
You must be joking!
It's all rusty.
No, no, Wendy, that is just superficial.
Know what I mean?
Bit of treatment, nice coat of paint, it'll come up lovely!
This is you, isn't it?
Eh?
Oh, Patsy!
Excuse me, mate, if you don't mind.
What?
Oh, yeah, yeah, cool.
Isn't it great, Aub?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's... eh...
The possibilities are eh... you know?
Yeah, it's all there, the works, all you need.
Where're you going to keep it, Andy? Cause you're not keeping it here.
Get a lock-up or something.
Andy.
I'll be right with you, mate, just give me one second.
Andy!
What's going on, Patsy?
Nothing.
Well how much is he paying you for it then?
Well, that is not for me to say, Wendy.
You're behaving like a big kid.
Don't be cheeky.
Alright, Patsy.
Andy, where're you going?
Ten minutes, Wend.
Where're you going?
-I'll be right back. -Bye bye, Wendy.
Andy!
What's he doing?
Getting conned.
As usual.
Ohh!
Aubrey, are you alright?
Oh, blimey!
I thought you had copped it then.
Yeah, sorry, it went up on me there.
Yeah, there's no wotsit.
I wondered what was happening and...
Listen, have a cup of tea.
Ah, jackpot.
There you go, mate.
Thanks very much. Andy.
Alright, mate. I'll see you through the week.
Don't you want a lift?
Nah, I've got to go and see my old Mum.
-Alright. -You know what I mean.
Alright, cheers all the best.
To be honest with you.
It's worth far more in scrap value alone than what I paid for it.
So, what did you pay for it then?
What?
Well... what I done, I mean, I haven't actually... it depends what you mean by...
See, he's not cracking on, Aubrey.
No, no, no, I know what I'm doing.
Could fooled me.
Well, I hope you didn't pay more than ten quid for it.
Well, I paid more than ten quid for it, yeah,
but look at it, it's an investment, isn't it?
Tory.
So, what do you think about it, Aubrey?
Yeah, mate.
Eh... It's...
Now, be honest.
Yeah, gilt edged, you know?
See, Aubrey knows the game.
Can't go wrong.
Ronald McDonald had to start somewhere, didn't he?
Oh, blimey, it's old Big Mac sitting here, look!
So, when are we going to see your restaurant then, Aub?
Yeah.
Whenever you like.
Have a little nose?
Yeah, before you open, if you want any advice...
He wants it to be a success, Dad.
-Shut up! -Yeah.
I'd love you to see my restaurant.
Don't get me wrong, I'm confident.
Yeah.
In fact, I'm mega confident.
Oh, are you?
I just haven't had any outside input, you know?
Oh, haven't you?
We could go now, Wend.
Yeah, alright.
He might want to stay here.
Well, what does he want to stay here for?
cause!
He can do what he likes.
We can go now, yeah, cool.
Well, yeah, yeah, yeah, great!
Just give me some minutes to powder my nose then.
Hey!
Andy, have you fell in?
What?
We've seen it all before, you know?
He fell in the water.
-Prat! -Boring git.
Shut up.
You're going to break a leg one of these days, Andy.
You alright, Andy?
Yeah, mate, just mucking about.
Aubrey.
Oh, blimey.
I thought we were going to take off then.
I'll have to let you out, Wendy.
I've got no handles, I can't get out.
Yeah, I know, that's why I'll have to come around.
Hey, Andy I thought we were going to fly then.
Did you? Had a joy ride, did you?
I can't get it up. ooh!
That's fantastic, isn't it? Look, Wend,"tres exclusive".
-It's nice, Andy. -Yeah, great!
-It's in good nick, isn't it? -I like the lamps.
Oh, that's where you're going to keep your little menus, is it in there?
Yeah, I can't find the key though.
Well, you need a key, Aub.
-What? -What is it?
Aw, it's a little pet cat, look.
It's a little moggy.
Aw, bless him.
Yeah, it's fantastic, isn't it?
I was going to put this up here.
Oh, you can't.
No, not in a restaurant, Aubrey, it'll put people off their food.
-No, it'll smell. -Yeah.
See, what I'm going for here is some...
The street.
-Eh... the War. -Yeah.
and I've got these accordians from a car boot sale.
and I'm going to stick them up there and eh...
They are going to represent the eh...
Music of Paris.
Do they work Aubrey?
No, they're knackered.
I got the three of them for 17.50, you know?
They saw you coming, mate.
Yeah, well, the birdcages.
I'm going to hang them up all over the ceiling.
Yeah, you've got a load of them, ain't you?
They're going to eh...
symbolise
the sparrow.
Oh, I like the bike.
Oh, yeah, ah, isn't it novel?
It's brilliant, isn't it?
The old onion seller.
That's in the wrong place.
Oh, blimey!
Is this the original French article, Aubrey?
Yeah, yeah.
No, it was my Dads actually, yeah, it was in the shed.
Aww, isn't that nice, Andy?
Aww, he would of been proud of you, Aubrey.
No, I don't think he would of cared less, Wendy you know?
He was a nasty old bastard.
Here, look at this.
-Oh, you've got a fish tank, look. -That's good, isn't it?
Oh, yeah.
I thought they were real.
So did I.
Oh, fish look a bit unfit, don't they?
The water's murky, isn't it?
Yeah, I'm going to put a couple of lobsters in there.
So people can choose them
and I'm going to cook them in over a minute, you know?
Nice one.
Yeah, so where are you going to put your prawns then?
Prawn?
Is that all? just one?
King prawn.
Oh, sorry.
Anyway you like, Wendy, you know?
It's all a matter of what picture you want to paint.
You having all black plates then?
Yeah, great canvas.
What sort of sauce are you using there, Aub?
Basically jam blended with orange juice.
Orange juice.
What's that white stuff? cream?
-Nah, it's fromage frais, isn't it? -Yoghurt.
Is it?
I think you'll find that fromage frais will bubble on you Andy.
It needn't.
I acheived this effect by eh...
Gently.
Easing,
Teasing,
and squeezing.
Oh, don't be so dirty.
Until you've got a nice symmetrical circle.
and eh...
Then we eh...
Chisel in the pattern with the end of a knife, and Bob's your uncle,
it's ready to set, you know?
Aw, it looks nice though, Andy.
Your grill's in a bit of a state, Aubrey.
Is it?
Oh, yeah, the girl can do all that.
When they starting then, your girls?
The dogsbody tommorow, then the waitress on Tuesday.
-Oh, right. -Great team.
Ah, I love your little candles.
Bistro effect, isn't it?
Yeah, they're great, ain't they?
I've been trying to get them all the same length.
But eh...
I keep forgetting to blow them out, you know?
and have to start all over again.
I've been through 12 boxes this week.
Ah, that'll be your first little booking.
Here we go.
Hello, the Regret Rien.
Oh, hi, Hilary.
How are you? Are you in the starting blocks raring to go? great.
You what?
Hang on a minute.
Say that again.
Look at the state of this place.
Aww, shame, isn't it?
I don't think he'll be ready, you know?
You want to see the ladies toilet.
-Still, all credit to him. -Aw, bless him, yeah.
Puts the old caravan in perspective, doesn't it?
Aw, Andy, please don't remind me.
What do you mean?
Well, I don't want it sitting there, do I? for 2 years blocking my view.
Nah, this has inspired me.
I want to get back get down to work, get stuck in.
Pigs might fly.
Fuck you!
What's up, mate?
Nothing.
Do you want a cigar, Andy?
No, thanks, mate. I don't use them.
Wendy, would you like a liquor?
No, ta, no, I'm fine.
Who's that then?
My waitress.
-What, the big girl? -yeah.
-The Aussie? -yeah.
No, Kiwi.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Got to laugh, ain't you?
What's the matter then?
She's eh... let me down, you know?
How do you mean?
She's going away with her boyfriend.
When?
Today.
She was phoning from Heathrow.
Where's she going?
Flipping Prague.
Aww.
Oh, that's not right.
-No, that's not on, mate. -No, sorry.
It's great, isn't it?
You give someone a break, a chance to better themselves.
An opportunity to enter into brave new venture.
and what do they do?
Piss off to Poland.
Well, that's typical Aussie, isn't it? Travellers.
Students.
It's Czechoslovakia, isn't it? Prague?
Yeah, is it?
Yeah.
It's alright, I can cope.
-I can do it on my own. -No, you can't.
Yes, I can. I've come this far so far solo. I can go the whole hog.
I can wait on table, I can do that, I'm not proud.
I can eat in a fucking kitchen.
Aubrey, Aubrey, calm down, calm down.
What you got to do, you got to get onto an agency.
Get a waitress over here to cover you till you get yourself sorted out.
Yeah, because you need that little support.
That's right.
It's alright. Andy.
Wendy.
Everything's hunkydory cool.
I'm in complete control.
If ever I see her again...
I'll stick a knife in her guts.
I'll slice her face off, you know?
Jesus Christ, don't the neighbours complain?
-My eardrums, please! -oh, dear!
Sorry, sorry, I got over excited.
I am so grateful, thank you.
Really, really, from the deepest part of my heart, thank you.
-Aubrey, shut up, right? -No, no, I'm sincere.
Now, listen.
You're in trouble, right?
And I'm helping you out because that's what friends are for.
That's right, isn't it? Andy.
It's it's it's amazing.
But you haven't even done bar work, Wend, let's be honest.
No, but I'm confident. I can have a go.
Let's face it, have you ever been a waitress?
-No. -No.
But I've been waiting on you all these years, haven't I? so...
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
To be totally honest, Andy, I think Wendy will be a natural, you know?
-She's got such grace and charm. -Thank you, Aubrey.
Excuse me, are we talking about the same girl?
Don't be rotten.
Eh, listen, what have I got to wear?
Black waitress uniform.
What? little French maids outfit?
Eh, Andy, look at his face.
No, anything you like, Wendy. You know?
Comme ci comme ca, come casual.
What? skirt and blouse type of thing, yeah?
Yeah, great!
See, if you've got anything in pink, Wend?
Oh, shut up, you.
Listen, aren't you going to pay me?
Oh, yeah.
How much?
25 a week.
What?
You're joking me.
Leave it out.
-What time's that flight to Prague? -Yeah, we'll be on it.
No, no, no...
No, you don't understand.
That's just a basic for the paperwork, the tax-man, you know?
How do you mean?
Well, you get to keep all your tips, that's 12 and a half percent.
and if you don't get at least a 100 a week, I'll make up the difference.
Oh, that's not bad.
Oh, that sounds alright, yeah, that'll go towards the holiday.
I don't want to talk about money anyway.
You can have what you like, 1000 a week, you know?
Yeah, alright, you're on.
Well, you know what I mean.
Is this your passion pit then, Aub?
Oh, yeah, this is where he brings all the girls, Andy.
This is the only room I've had decorated.
Oh, yeah. it's nice though, isn't it?
this is what I call a proper boys room, you know?
Yeah.
Great bed.
Orthopedic.
300 pounds.
How many does it hold?
Oh careful!
Oh, dear me.
Aubrey!
You alright, mate?
What're you doing? coming up for air?
Thought I'd lost that.
What are you looking for, fivers down there?
No, all I'm saying, Andy...
is I think you made a big mistake.
That's all.
Little beauty, ain't she?
I mean, if you got yourself a bank loan.
and bought a really decent van, that's one thing.
But buying this, I mean you're throwing good money after bad
Have we got any bin bags?
I mean look at all this, it's rubbish.
What do you think I want the bin bags for? Of course it's rubbish.
It's all rubbish, I know that.
That's why I want to get this lot cleared out,
then I can see what I've got.
Well, I'm sorry, Andy, I can't get any enthusiasm for it.
I know you can't, it's obvious.
To be honest with you, I would appreciate if you could.
Could do with a bit of moral support.
You'll have to get a license. you know?
What?
and I tell you what, if you park this on someone else's pitch.
You're going to get yourself duffed over.
I can look after myself.
Oh, can you?
Have you ever seen those hot dog fellas? they're all like that.
Don't know what you're talking about.
Lipstick's a bit bright, Nat.
Oh, very amusing.
Where're you going?
Drink.
Have one for me.
Staying in?
Yeah.
Yeah, he's got to save up now, pay for this heap of what's it.
So long as he's happy.
That's right, Nat. thanks a lot. much appreciated.
That's alright.
Going in. I'm freezing.
Tell you what, Andy.
Hope it don't rain tonight,
you'll need your snorkel in here in the morning.
I think she likes it, don't you?
Yeah she's over the moon.
-See ya. -See ya.
Have a good time.
-She thought she was gonna get lucky. -I did.
-Have another shot then. -Have another shot.
Oh, very flash.
200 pounds?
Oh, Andy.
Well, you're not paying him anymore, alright?
Look, do you want me to carry on doing my brain...
at that bloody place for the rest of my life?
No, of course I don't.
Right.
So I'll give it a go at the weekends.
and if it works out, I'll jack in the day job.
Andy, you can't jack in your day job
before you've got something definite to go to, right?
On a bank holiday weekend, I could make...
What?
Two? two and a half thousand quid.
Oh, Andy.
You're just a big softy, you are.
Well, who's to say, alright, it's a risk, I admit that.
But it's a risk worth taking, isn't it?
I suppose if the worst comes to the worst,
we could always go on our holidays in it.
That's right, reconvert it to an ordinary caravan.
Stick a couple of bunk beds in it.
Have a little bunk up.
Oh, yes, please.
Eh...
Eh... how about...
How about...
Orthopedic, five hundred quid, you know?
Bouncing up and down on his bed.
Orthopedic, you know? Orthopedic, you know?
Tell you, you want to watch out for Aubrey in that kitchen.
He'll come up behind you with a cucumber.
Listen, I don't think it'll be a cucumber he'll be coming up behind me with.
Well, maybe you fancy him, I don't know.
Oh, you're joking. I'm not that desperate.
Aw, bless him.
I feel sorry for him actually.
He's not a bad bloke, Aubrey.
What're you doing?
What?
I like it, do it again.
I'm not doing anything. I'm not.
Go on then.
Has Nicola come to bed yet?
Yeah, I think so.
Oh, I tell you what, Andy.
She gets me in a right state, that girl.
I heard myself shouting at her this morning and I thought"this isn't me".
I don't recognise myself, you know it's horrible.
Good job they're not identical.
Oh, blimey, yeah.
Oh, I used to think...
It'll be so nice to go to discos together and...
bring the boyfriends home.
Oh, well, there you go.
Buttered muffins.
What?
Alright? my friend.
Don't run!
More colour.
Chop! chop!
-Are you happy in your work Chef? -Over the moon, mate.
Someone's got to do it and at this stage, it happens to be you.
Yeah, you are a little chunker.
You got two little chunky cheeks
and you've got two little chunky legs
and you're lovely, yeah.
and you're going to grow up to be a boxer.
Be a big boxer or a wrestler.
and I bet you're just like your Dad, eh?
-Are you just like your Daddy? -Do you have anything in navy?
Navy? yeah.
Oh, listen, take no notice of me, I get all carried away,
you know because mine are grown up now.
-I don't want any pastels. -No, that's right, yeah.
Because you are going to a wedding, yeah, a little bird told me, yeah.
So, lets have a look what we got.
Now.
There's that little outfit, that's French.
But that's a little bit girly, isn't it?
He needs something sophisticated.
More sophisticated, yeah, because he's not a girly boy, is he?
Do you know what I mean?
He's more a boy's boy.
I mean you couldn't mistake him for a girl, could you?
-No, he's a boy. -Yeah.
-What's his name? -Nigel.
Aw, bless him.
Little nidgy Nigel.
Well, lets see what we've got for you then, Nigel.
Lets have a little look.
That's a bit baby baby.
Oh, a minute.
That's nice.
We sell a lot of them.
Oh, I don't think so.
Oh, it looks nice on it, really does, a little sailors outfit.
How's that old boyfriend then, Nat?
What old boyfriends that then, Steve?
Oh, come on.
I'm single and care free, thanks.
Yeah.
I wish I was.
You never said you was coming today!
I'm sorry.
I'll go, shall I?
No.
What's all this?
What does it look like?
A fucking dump.
Like the rest of your house.
Middle class wanker.
This your old man's?
Yeah
Is he going on holiday?
Nah, it's what he wants to be buried in.
Well, come on.
Oh, that's alright. I didn't want a coffee anyway.
-Well, it's a dump, isn't it? -Yeah.
What're you waiting for?
Go on.
So, what've you been doing?
Working.
Leave it out.
I have.
What sort of work?
-Writing -"Writing"?
Yeah.
Writing what?
A novel.
What's so funny?
You writing a novel, what's it about?
Don't know, haven't started it yet.
Am I in it?
No.
-Is it auto biographical? -Course it is.
What're you doing?
-Get off! -No.
Hold on a minute.
Jesus, no.
What?
Not again, it's boring.
Well, I'm not doing it then.
Well, don't do it.
Oh, come on!
Here you go.
No, thanks, I've just eaten.
Haha, wise guy.
Lie down then.
You pervert.
Don't stop.
I've had enough.
What?
I can't eat no more. I'm full up.
It's not a joke.
I'm going to puke.
Weak!
Are you going then?
No.
Well, you're not staying.
Thought I could get in there with you.
No, you won't.
What's a matter with you?
Nothing.
I don't agree.
EH?
Don't shout! you sexist pig.
Why're you shouting sexist?
-Because that's what men do. -You're full of shit.
Why is it you never want me to stay?
What's in this machine, Nicola?
My bedding.
Not again.
Why didn't you peg my washing out?
I'll do it later.
Blimey, it could've been dry by now.
So, what've you been doing all morning?
Sweet Fanny Adams as usual.
Anybody ring?
Like who?
Like your Grandad for instance.
No.
No!
Look at Andy on his picture.
I still reckon he looks so Tommy Cooper.
What did you have for you're breakfast?
A big fry up.
No, really.
Toast.
I don't beleive you, Nicola.
Can you lend us a couple of quid?
What for?
A packet of fags.
No chance.
Mean cow.
If you're giving your stomach a rest,
you might as well give your lungs a rest an all.
So, what have you been up to?
Nothing.
Look at the state of you, chalk white face.
Blimey, you look like a ghost.
You'd frighten the birds, you would.
No wonder you didn't peg my washing out.
Ooh, never mind. eh...
I was like you.
I started at the bottom, you know.
I was on the sink for six weeks before I got a look in.
It's all about keeping your eyes peeled.
These tongues are a pain in the neck.
Can't get into the crevices.
Is it a pigs tongue?
Lambs tongue.
Couldn't get a pigs tongue in your mouth.
It would stick in your throat.
Would it?
You look quite attractive in white.
Suits you.
There's the skins, chuck them away.
Good.
Hey!
You got rythym, you know?
Here, have some more.
You done really well today.
Have I?
Yeah.
I'm really pleased with you.
You're quite a tasty little worker, you know?
That's nice
It's a bit old-fashioned looking though, isn't it? That one.
Black skirt, white blouse, it's traditional, I like it
Oh, Andy, my legs are like jelly sticks. I'm sorry I said I would do it now.
Just go for it.
You wore that for Joans wedding, didn't you?
Oh, blimey, yeah.
Aw, poor Joan.
Poor Donald.
What about Tracy?
I like this.
-Yeah, now it's okay. -Yeah, that's the one, isn't it?
Yeah.
I preferred the white.
Oh, blimey.
I'm going to be late.
Oh, eh, Andy, do you remember this?
You do us any tea, Wend?
Yeah, there's a little chicken casserole in the oven.
That's nice.
You hungry?
Here, I went to this old girl's house today, right?
She had her dead dog lying on the sofa.
-She never -Eh?
No, the skin spread out like a rug.
Oh, charming.
She had arthritic hands. Couldn't turn her tap on.
Thought it was bust.
I went straight to it, gave it a good twist and it was perfectly all right
So what did you do then?
Well, I changed the washer for her, so she didn't look stupid.
Oh, that's a good girl.
Did you charge her a call out?
Well, I had to, you know what they're like.
I didn't want to.
Where's this then?
Off the A10 somewhere.
She said she would give me some toffee,
though she couldn't find her ration book.
-Did she? -Aww, bless her.
I don't suppose you know what a ration book is, do you?
Course I do.
Learn all sorts in your business, don't you?
And she kept calling me a good lad.
Oh, she never!
Yeah.
Well you should of said to her listen I'm a Miss.
Nah, no point.
More interesting than my job.
Same every day.
We had a bloke slice the end off his finger this morning.
What? right off?
No, there was like a flap.
No, Andy, don't.
-Christ. -There was a lot of blood.
No, it was his own fault.
I've a very good accident record as it happens.
Yeah, we know.
No, it's true, It's because I drum it into
them health and safety, health and safety.
Still, you're always going to get someone showing off, ain't you?
Yeah.
Oh, blimey, I haven't done my nails.
Come on, lets leave her in peace.
she's got to get ready for her big night.
And shut the door.
Oh, Wendy!
You look fantastic, do you know that, Wendy?
Oh, thanks, only I didn't want to let you down, you know?
You haven't.
I've had six different blouses on tonight.
No, so as long as you're happy, you know?
You're superb.
Eh, is that what you're wearing?
They lend you that for having soup?
That's what my Mum used to say.
Are you hungry?
I'll buy you some fish and chips later, you know?
Will you?
I might.
-See, you've got tripe souffle. -Yeah.
-Kidney vol-au-vent. -Oh, vol-au-vent. yeah.
We had them on my 21st, vol-au-vents, they're nice.
This is the whole kidney.
-King prawn in jam sauce. -Oh, yeah, just the one.
-Chilled brains, they speak for themselves. -Oh, not brains.
Prune quiche, that's one for our vegetarian friends.
Right.
-Black pudding and camembert soup. -Oh, no, don't.
Boiled bacon consomme.
Oh, no, consomme, that's the same as soup, isn't it?
It's basically the bacon water.
Yeah, That's like what your Mum gives you when you're ill?
And a saveloy on a bit of lychees.
Oh, I got a little Chinesey one in there.
That's all your d'oeuvres and that's your entrees.
Right, so, this is my main course type of thing. right?
What's that one there, pork what? pork list?
Pork cyst.
Cyst?
Yeah.
Oh, you're joking me?
No.
No, it's not called cyst.
-Aw, my Dad had one of them. -Did he?
Yeah, underneath.
Hey, cough.
Aw, bless him.
What is it?
It's like a dumpling, you know?
Oh, I couldn't.
And then we have duck in chocolate sauce.
yeah.
-Tongues in a rhubarb bouillabaisse. -Oh, no.
Liver in lager.
and clams in ham.
That's with a pan-fried cockle-based sauce.
Yeah.
Or quails in a bit of spinach with treacle.
Or my piece de resistance, grilled trotters with eggs over easy.
Oh, right, what's over easy?
Stateside, sunny side up, you know?
Oh, yeah, the one I can turn.
Oh, blimey, Aubrey, I'll never remember all this.
You'll be fine.
Any problems, refer them to me.
Yeah, but you'll be in the kitchen cooking, won't you?
Yeah, I'll be in there, I'll be out here, I'll be everywhere.
I'll be chef patron, you know?
Well, you should've had your little menus printed up like I told you, right?
Yeah, yeah, no sweat.
I want this restaurant to be built on a one to one,
mouth to mouth reputation, you know?
Would you like a glass of wine, Wendy?
Oh, no, thanks, no, my stomachs all of a go with my nerves.
Yeah, go on, it might settle you down.
Oh, go on then, just half a glass.
-Oh, blimey. I forgot I've got something for you. -Have you? oh great.
Alright?
I want to go for a fag.
What?
Now?
We're busy.
Are we?
Yeah, go on then, be quick, just have half of one.
With a bit of luck, I'll get me fortune told later.
Feel free.
Got a little card for you.
-Oh, thanks very much. -That's from me and Andy and the girls.
Oh, that's fantastic.
That's really brilliant,
that's really marvellous, you're a really attractive woman.
Really, thanks very much, really.
All the best good luck.
Thank you.
-We are now officially open. -blimey, sorry, sorry.
As far as I'm concerned,
Football died the day Arsenal won the double.
That's right, yeah.
What was they? workhorses.
Boring buggers, ain't they?
Where as the Spurs double team, they was artists, wasn't they?
Yeah, they was artists.
Twenty one quid a week they got, can you imagine?
What do they get today? millions.
Then they've got the back handers on top of that, ain't they?
Pouncing round the penalty area with their handbags.
Yeah, prima donnas.
"Oh he kicked me, ref."
Brown.
Baker.
Henry.
Blanchflower.
Yeah Danny, boy.
Yeah.
He was the architect of the modern game, you know?
That's right, yeah.
Norman, McKay.
-Jones. -Jones White.
Smith.
Alan Dyson.
Yeah! come on you Spurs!
John White, what a player, eh?
Yeah.
I used to have a little picture of him on my wall.
-Ringed in black. -Yeah, tragic.
What a way to go!
Struck by lightning.
On a golf course.
Yeah, what a waste, eh?
Do you want another?
Yeah, alright.
Want something with it?
Yeah, rum and black.
Large one?
-Yeah, alright. -Yeah.
See, the thing is...
Is that people don't like to venture out too early, do they?
No, not on a Tuesday, no.
No, they like to get home,
have a bath,
chill out,
have their tea,
and then go out to eat.
Did you put an advert in the paper?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, I didn't actually.
You should of had some little cards printed
then I could of given them out in the shop.
Yeah I didn't want to attract the wrong sort of people, you know?
Oh, charming, oh, thanks very much, Aubrey.
Would you like another glass of wine, Wendy?
Oh, yeah, go on alright. I'll keep you company.
Great hands.
Do you think you'll ever have kids?
No.
Well, you're pretty sure for one so young?
What? and look like a tank for nine months? give me a break.
Is that all you're worried about? what you'll look like?
I'd make a good Mother.
Oh, would you?
Yeah.
Why? do you want kids?
Yeah
In the fullness of time.
Do you?
Course.
You've got to have a boy friend first.
Yeah, one does generally need a bloke, this is true.
Well, you're not doing very well then, are you?
Well, I haven't seen your men exactly queuing up in droves.
You don't know.
What? they sneak around here in the daytime, do they? when no one's in?
Anyway, you don't need a bloke to have a kid.
Well, I wouldn't fancy bringing one up on me own.
Well, it's better to be on your own than be with a bastard.
Well, presumably, you wouldn't
choose a bastard in the first place if you had any sense.
All men are bastards.
What?
They're all potential rapists.
That's a bit sweeping.
All men have got the ability to rape.
Well, they don't all do it, do they?
If they've got the ability, they've got the desire.
That's paranoid rubbish.
What do you know about paranoia?
Well, not half as much as you do. I'll give you that.
You'll find out when you get to America.
I'm only going on a holiday
So?
What? you think I'm going to get yanked off the plane at J.F.K. airport...
and be raped and pillaged do you?
You've got to be on your guard.
Did you hear what I just said?
What?
Yanked.
Get it?
What?
Yanked.
America.
Racist!
There's another bloody couple coming.
Yeah, yeah, they're coming this way.
Definetly.
Do you want me to tell Pauline again?
Yeah, action stations.
No.
Shit!
Fucking yuppies!
They went straight past.
Oh, did they?
Oh, perhaps they weren't hungry.
Where's Pauline?
She's sitting on your work surface.
Is she?
Yeah she's picking.
Right.
Don't sit up there, Pauline.
It's unhygenic.
Cross infection.
These stocks are reducing nicely.
Secret of a great sauce
Is a well reduced stock.
No stock, no sauce.
Keys to the door.
You're working with a genius.
Do you know that?
I'm not just a wanker, you know?
I could teach you things you've never even dreamed of.
I'm a magician.
I want a drink.
Well, there's plenty of orange juice in there, help yourself.
I want some wine.
I can't have you getting drunk.
Kitchen's a very dangerous place.
She's got wine.
Me and Wendy,
We go back a long way.
you know?
I'm a friend of the family.
Classic nose.
Here you are.
Here.
Have you seen these?
What you got there?
Lets have a look.
A pocket telly.
Yeah.
Can I wathc this?
Feel free.
That's good, isn't it?
Yeah, neat.
There we go.
Leave it out. You pranny.
-Eh, seen these? -Give us it, give us back.
How much do you want for that then?
I could let you have it half price.
A hundred knicker.
Yeah, nice, isn't it?
Yeah.
Be tasty on the salad wagon.
Wouldn't it?
Nah, can't afford it.
What about that hundred?
What hundred?
That hundred you never gave me.
You know, If someone had turned up with that twenty five years ago.
and said they were of a bloody martian.
You would have to beleive them, wouldn't you?
Yeah, yeah.
So you don't want it?
No, Patsy I don't want it.
I don't want anything.
Mean bastard.
Come on, you bastards.
I'm open.
I'm ready, I'm waiting for you. This is what you've all been waiting for!
Come and get it
Fish wives
Footballers.
You English dickheads.
You can stick to your fish and chips go on, go and get cancer.
Thousand pounds.
Ten thousand pounds.
-Go on, mate, cook him. -Stop shouting.
You working class morons.
Go and eat your own shit go on.
That is enough.
No more.
Right?
Because you're being a naught boy.
Marry me, Wendy.
What?
I want to marry you.
Now stop it!
Aubrey, stop it, get off.
I love you. you know?
Now don't be stupid, right?
I'm already married, I'm married to Andy.
I love Andy, he's my best friend.
Yeah, well, we're very fond of you. now, you know that.
I don't care, I don't care if you're married to Andy.
You can still marry me, you just don't have to tell him.
Now, stop it, right now, sit down.
Sit down.
What're you doing?
Get off me.
Aubrey, stop it, now.
I want to fuck you, Wendy.
Now, stop talking like that.
Now, just stop it. right, because Andy won't let me come here again.
Do you hear me? he won't.
I worship the ground you walk on.
Now, look, you're bending down, that means you're going to be sick.
I kiss your feet.
There might be a little bit of doggy on me shoes, right?
And you're not going to like that, so get up!
Nicola.
What?
Oh, Nicola.
Nicola's not here, right? she's at home saving the world.
Now, look, you've got vodka all down you're suit.
And that's your best suit you've bought for tonight, right?
-Sit down. -I don't want it.
-I don't want it. -What?
-Sit down. -I want Andy to have this.
Andy doesn't want it.
-Yeah, he's a poor man. -Andy's got a suit.
No he can wear it in the fucking stupid caravans.
-Now, stop that. -Shit!
Behave yourself.
He can have the suit, because he's all scruffy.
What're you doing?
-I'm going to give him the suit. -Leave your trousers on, Aubrey.
Aubrey, leave your trousers on.
Behave yourself and leave your trousers on.
I love him and Nicky.
I tell you what.
What're you doing now?
You're going to fall.
No, I'm not drunk, right? I'm not drunk.
Aubrey, stop it.
Now, behave yourself, right? you're being silly.
Aubrey.
-Aubrey, will you stop it? -No!
Now, you're behaving like an idiot, listen to me.
Now, you don't do any more, no.
Now, stop it, Aubrey.
Stop it now.
Blimey.
Shame though, isn't it?
Come on, Paula, we're going.
Oh, look at me.
Oh, that's alright, he'll find them there in the morning.
Oh, what a night!
I tell you what.
Never again.
What a mistake!
It's alright, he's only asleep, he's not dead.
There's no need to be frightened.
I'm not frightened.
Eh?
Nothing to be frightened of.
Alright.
Is this your little coat?
and here's your bag.
Now, how're you getting home?
Bus.
Right, got you're fare?
Where's your little purse? in here?
Where's your cigarettes?
In the pocket.
Right, come on then.
What's a matter?
We're going for chips.
-Who's going for chips? -Me and Aubrey.
Aubrey's in a coma, he doesn't want any chips.
Well, he'll be hungry when he wakes up, won't he?
It stands to reason.
Alright, I'll buy you chips.
I don't want no chips.
Alright, well, I won't buy you chips.
Come on, Paula.
Look, I tell you what, take your hat off.
and put your coat on, we don't want to frighten people, do we?
Oh Nicola.
Oh, blimey, hark at him.
Look, I tell you what.
I'll run you to the bus stop, ok?
Paul.
Are you coming with me?
Stopping here.
You can't stop here.
Please, Paula.
Come on.
Blinking heck!
Andy!
What?
Oh, blimey, what're you doing?
Tidying up.
You're not having no lager.
Get us a lager, Nat.
You must be joking!
You've had enough lager for tonight, right?
blooming lager lout, now get up the stairs.
-What're you doing? -There's somebody at the door.
There's nobody at the door, that's you.
Listen, you'll have aeolian banging on the wall again.
What do you want? who is it?
Where's the lager?
In the fridge.
-Get up the stairs. -Alright, alright.
Look at the state of you.
You've got your best trousers on, you've got your new shoes.
Now what? what're you doing?
-Can you shut the caravan door? -I've shut the caravan door.
-Are you going to be sick? -Don't you be sick on me, Andy.
Nicola, shut the caravan door.
No.
Brown, Baker, Henry, MacKay...
How did it go tonight?
Terrible if you must know.
Why?
I'll tell you later. No, Andy, no, get in that toilet and do a wee.
Blimey, look, this is the sink.
I don't want me carpet all soaking wet.
and close the door, you've got two daughters.
What's a matter with you?
That's what's a matter with me I've got two daughters
-Oh, shut up! -What did I tell you?
So, come on then, what happened at the restaurant?
How many tips did you score?
Nothing happened at the restaurant, right? and keep it out.
I've had enough for one night, I'm up to here with the lot of you.
No, he could be dead this morning, you know? Andy, I'm not kidding.
All that broken glass, he might of severed an artery.
Should called the police, shouldn't I?
I feel like Princess Margaret.
I could of killed you last night.
I'll drop in on him on my way back from work,
tell him he was out of order.
-Will you? -Yeah.
Suppose I've lost me hundred quid now, haven't I?
I'll get it off him, he's not going to get away with that.
Outrageous behaviour.
I got to go, Wend.
See you tonight
Yean, I'll be late.
Where're you going?
I'm meeting Patsy for a drink.
You're not?
Got you!
Get out.
Come on, lets go up.
No.
What?
Not yet.
I know you want it.
-Do I? -Yeah.
How do you know?
Syncronicity.
Shut up.
I don't want it.
What do you mean?
I want you.
Sentimentalist.
Nah, nah, nah.
I come in, we go straight upstairs, we do it.
Bingo, you're a pain in the arse. I don't want that,
I want to see you nice.
Well, what's nice? it's only a boring cliche.
No, nice, nice, show me a bit of civility, a bit of respect.
You don't show me no respect.
I'm trying to respect you now, trying to treat you like a real person.
Instead of some fucking shag bag.
Come on, talk to me.
What about?
Anything.
Anything you think, anything you know.
What do you care about?
Eh?
You got all these fucking books upstairs.
Women who love men too much, men who hate women, women who love women
and women in love, womens room, female eunuch.
Have you read any of that crap?
-What's it to you? -Have you?
Course.
So, what have you learnt from it?
That I'm a feminist.
What's a feminist?
Oh, come on.
No, no, no, what does it mean?
Stop being antagonistic.
I'm not being antagonistic.
I'm trying to have an intelligent conversation with you.
Are you capable of that?
Eh?
I don't think you are, are you?
Really.
Bit vacant, ain't you?
Bit of an air-head.
Nothing going on.
Bit dumb.
Bit dizzy.
Dimbo bimbo, dumb blondster, ain't you?
Eh, hello, anyone at home? hello? hello?
You're a fake.
I am intelligent.
Are you coming upstairs?
No.
Well, piss off then.
Alright.
Blimey days, Nicola look at the state of you.
You're sitting there like there's a grey cloud over you,
it's like the sun's gone in.
You've got no energy because you don't eat your dinners.
and you've got no joy in your soul.
How do you know?
I know because you've given up, Because your not happy,
that's how I know.
I am happy.
You've lost all your friends.
I don't see them knocking on the door anymore.
I don't want friends, they dissapoint you.
I mean you say you want to change the world,
You're supposed to be political,
but I don't see you doing anything about it.
I am political.
and shut the door.
How are you political?
I read the paper, I watch the news.
I'm more political than you.
Oh, blimey, Nicola, We can all watch the telly.
You should be out there helping the old aged pensioners
or going on marches or whatever.
Marches are a waste of time, it's boring.
If you put your money where your mouth is,
you should be joining one of these socialist...
what's it groups.
Or the nuclear disarmament, whatever, but you don't.
All you do is sit here in this room staring
at the walls and tweeking and twitching.
and you're so perfect?
No.
I'm not perfect, but I haven't given up.
I'm still out there fighting.
and I tell you what, Nicola,
Every time I look out that window
and I see that rusty old caravan sitting there,
Do you know what it says to me?
It says to me, there's a man who hasn't given up either.
Who's still out there fighting, looking for his dream.
Well, it says to me, there's a man who's getting greedy.
Greedy?
You're Dad?
He's the most unselfish man I've ever met.
Do you know he's up at six o'clock every morning,
Slogging his guts out in a job he hates which is more than you do.
and he still comes home at the end of the week with sod all.
I'm not prepared to be exploited.
Exploited?
You're not prepared to work, full stop.
You've accepted Nat as a plumber and you didn't like that at first.
No I didn't I didn't like it.
But I can see now, I was wrong, because she's happy.
I don't know what I want to do yet.
Oh, don't you?
Well, you had your chance, Nicola.
When you were seventeen,
when you were at the college doing your three A levels.
You were going great and then suddenly you stopped.
You stopped eating, you stopped everything,
you ended up eight weeks in the hospital.
Well, you put me there. I didn't want to go.
Oh, for Gods sake, Nicola, you were at deaths door!
You were trying to control my life!
-You were dieing! -No, I wasn't.
Yes, you were.
I'd know if I was dieing.
Doctor Harris told us you had two weeks to live.
You didn't know that, did you?
Three of us coming home every night, crying our eyes out.
You were lucky.
Life's not easy, Nicola.
I could of given up, right?
Sixteen, I was doing me A-levels
What A-levels?
English and business studies, if you must know.
Then I got pregnant with twins.
Well, why didn't you have an abortion?
Because I didn't want one.
Because I had two little lives growing inside me.
I don't beleive in it, that's the easy way out.
Your Dad was only seventeen, he was at catering college.
and he was working in hotels at night, trying to get a bit extra.
We got a little flat together, begged and borrowed a couple of cots.
And when the two of you were born, we were thrilled to bits,
because we had two lovely little babies.
We came through laughing.
Well, don't blame me, I didn't ask to be born.
I'm not blaming you, Nicola.
I just want you to be happy, that's all, and you're not.
I wouldn't care what blooming job you did.
I wouldn't care how scruffy you looked as long as you were happy.
But you're not, something inside you has died.
You've given up.
and if one day I could just walk throught that door
and you could look at me and you could say, look, Mum,
Help me please,
I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know where I'm going.
Then I'd say, great. Because now we can be honest with each another.
Now we can start talking.
But I'm not in a mess.
Aren't you?
You're giving me a problem when I haven't got one.
Oh, Christ, Nicola.
If you hate me so much,
why don't you throw me out?
We don't hate you!
We love you, right?
You stupid girl.
-What've you done, you silly sod? -I think I've broke me ankle.
-Jesus! -Don't touch it! lay flat!
Breathe! breathe!
-I am breathing for Christs sake! -Lay flat, relax!
Got to help you, I'll be back!
Nel, where're you going? Nel! Nel!
A spoon!
A fucking spoon for Christs sake!
Who dropped this spoon?
Hello?
Yeah, speaking. Yeah.
Oh, hello, how're you?
Oh, blimey! you're joking me? he hasn't?
Aw, how did he do it?
Oh, no, sorry, Brian, I'm sorry. I know you shouldn't laugh, but,
Aw, is he alright though?
Yeah, no, it's alright, no, I can come over, yeah, straight away.
Alright, thanks for phoning me.
Aw, yeah, and you alright then.
Yeah, ta-la, bye.
Nicola.
Oh, Christ!
-Hello, Nat. -Look at the state of him.
Here you are, take the bag.
Take these, Wend.
Go on.
-How're you going to do it? -I don't know
Oh, blimey!
-Hang on, hang on. -Take it steady.
-Don't let that door slam. -Don't worry, I've got it.
-Do you want a hand? -No, no. I'll do it myself.
-Ok? -Yeah, yeah.
Right.
-There you go. -Give us those.
That's it, that's it.
Right, come on, take it easy.
-I've got you. -Alright.
It's alright
-Open the gate, Nat. -Yeah, hold on.
Go on.
Now, don't rush, Andy, right?
-It's alright. -Just take it steady.
Andy, what're you doing?
Blimey, you're not a greyhound in a race.
Well, take it, Wend.
-I'm trying, Andy. -Well, get rid of it.
Alright?
Yeah.
He needs a little doofer, doesn't he?
Hold on, I'll get this table.
Oh, that's it, Nat.
Here we are.
Right.
-That's the job. -Careful, careful, careful.
Looks like the Royal leg.
Aw, look at his little face, aw, poor Andy.
He's been through a lot, you know?
Hey, listen, how're you going to get your trousers off?
Cut them.
Well, I tell you what, I'll get me little scissors, right?
and I'll come up the inside leg.
Don't make me laugh, Wendy.
How long you got to have this on for then?
I don't know, six or eight weeks, something like that.
Cushy number.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind six weeks holiday.
Well, it's a damn, nuisance as a matter of fact
I was going to get started on the caravan
when I got back from work this evening, it's a pisser.
Oh, blimey, what about Aubrey?
Oh, yeah.
What about Aubrey?
Oh, lets leave it.
Let him stew in his own juice. I've got enough on me plate.
Ain't you going in tonight then?
-No. -Why?
-Because... -Where's Nicola?
Upstairs.
Does she know I had an accident?
Well, she told me.
Nicola!
Here, I'll run these things up, Andy.
-Oh, hang on, give us that, give us it here. -What?
I know what you want.
You want your little souvenir, don't you?
Yeah, that's the bastard, that's the culprit.
What?
Yeah, trying to kid us, he slipped on a spoon.
He was still blooming drunk from last night.
Never.
I've never known pain like it, Nat.
Ain't you?
Searing pain.
Did you hear it snap?
No, I didn't actually.
Oh, yeah, I did.
Yeah, I did.
Did you?
Yeah.
It's like when you break a dry stick across your knee.
Know what I mean?
Nicola?
What?
Can I come in?
Look at that.
An ordinary spoon.
I never noticed it before.
Here you are, nineteen seventy five.
This spoon was born when you were seven years old.
Oh, yeah.
Just sits in a drawer.
Out of the drawer,
Into the peas...
Stir the custard...
Into the wash out of the wash...
Up on the hooks with all the other spoons.
and all the time, just waiting for the fatal day...
When it would drastically alter the course of a mans life.
It doesn't look dangerous, does it?
Nah, you take my word for it, that is an evil spoon.
Here you are, look, put it in a place of honour.
Keep an eye on it.
Yeah, I don't trust it.
Get us some chocolate.
Tell you what,
go and give your face a little wash, make you feel a bit better, eh?
Nah.
You don't want your Dad to know you've been sitting here crying, do you?
He don't want to see me.
He does.
I'll make him feel worse.
Don't be so daft.
I'm a burden to you.
Listen,
we got to turn over a new leaf, yeah?
Both of us,
All of us.
Come on, have a little cup of tea.
Nah, I don't want one.
Come on, do it for your Dad.
He's been asking for you.
Has he?
Yeah.
Sitting there with his tongue hanging out
You know what he's like, he wants a bit of tea and sympathy.
I just want to talk to you.
Do you?
-Do you want a hand, Nat? -Nah, it's alright.
Here you are, Andy, give us a little bit of chocolate, don't hog it all.
It's alright, there's plenty for everyone.
Here you are, Nic.
-Want a bit? -Nah.
Go on have a bit.
Nah, it's alright.
Have a little bit, cheer yourself up.
It's alright, don't force her.
Here you are, Nic.
Thanks.
Did you go to the travel agent?
Yeah.
I'm going to New York,
Chicago,
and New Orleans.
Ain't you going Disney?
No, I want to go interesting places.
Oh, blimey, fancy going to the States and not going to Disneyland.
Why don't you go, Nic?
Nah.
It's too big.
Well, she can go next year.
Get yourself sorted, save up, eh?
How's the leg?
Oh, not too bad. throbbing a bit.
Only one problem:
I got to go to the toilet in a minute.
Eh.
Go and get your Dad a bucket.
Hey, look at that spoon.
Just take the weight, just take the weight.
That's it, that's it.
-Blimey, it's heavy, isn't it? -Yeah.
-Alright? -Yeah.
Put the pillow behind me.
There you go.
That's it.
Tell you what, Andy,
good job you're not a horse.
Why?
They'd of shot you.
Here you are then.
There you go.
It's good you had that chat with Mum, isn't it?
Get things cleared up.
Eh?
Did you tell her?
Tell her what?
Everything.
What do you mean?
You know what I mean.
No.
I'm not deaf.
I never said you was.
I've got the room next to yours, remember.
I can hear you.
What? playing my music?
You know what I'm talking about.
At nights...
Getting sick and everything.
I'm not sick.
Oh, come on.
I'm not.
It's hot, isn't it?
I can't help it.
I know.
I think we should do something about it.
Who's we?
You and me.
Have you told them about it?
No.
Why not?
Well, don't know.
Suppose I should of.
Don't know why I didn't.
Yeah, I do know why.
Because I think you should.
I know what I do is disgusting.
I am disgusting.
Yeah, it is disgusting.
Mind you, I do some pretty disgusting things myself.
-Do you? -Yeah.
What?
Oh, I can't tell you.
What is it?
I put my hands down toilets.
and on a good day, I might get bitten by a rat.
Do you want any money?
Yeah.
Alright.
Cheers.
Nah, it's ok.